✨ You didn't come this far, to ONLY come this far - you're here to persevere✨
Updated: Oct 5, 2020
“Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.”
~ Maya Angelou ✨
They say it's in hard choices that you see what you’re really made of. I may have been young
but I knew I never had another choice. In my junior year of college at St. John’s University, I chose to not move with my parents when they sadly couldn’t afford to live in NYC anymore. I was alone with a toddler, in a new unknown neighborhood that I had just moved to to be closer to college, no stable job or income, and no real support or guidance at a time when I needed it the most. At that time I knew mine and my daughters’ future was here in this country because, unfortunately, although the quality of life and even amazing education choices are there, job and career opportunities aren’t. I really saw no choice in the matter and my parents offered to take my daughter with them to help me out that was ABSOLUTELY not gonna happen. For me I couldn’t imagine my child that I brought into this world being raised by anyone other than me, even if it would’ve made my life easier and even if it was my parents who are the best parents and grandparents I know, no matter their faults. And I’m thankful I made that choice no matter the hardships and obstacles thrown at me.
I’ll never forget hearing the deafening sound of silence in my own apartment, in my own bedroom when my parents said their goodbyes and moved permanently to Colombia,South America, thousands of miles away. I was 20 yers old and a feeling of excitement and fear washed over me. It was like I foresaw what was to come, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I knew I would somehow overcome it. I never felt so alone then I did at that time. Don’t get me wrong, I had many acquaintances but very few actual friends. Everyone was understandably busy with their own lives and a couple relatives on my daughters paternal side helped when they could but they were also either busy with their own situations or very far. They opened their doors to me when they could which was much appreciated. Any help at that time was deeply appreciated, nonetheless I never felt so alone in my life then I did at that time. It got to a point where I honestly didn’t feel wanted and I didn’t want to be a bother either by asking anyone for help. That may sound triggering to some but I'm just being honest.
You ask any of my friends from then or family reading this now and the majority will tell you they had no idea I was struggling because I refused to make it known to anyone. I had too much “pride” and my ego wouldn’t let me. After a while I had to find ways to numb out how I felt because it felt overwhelming. I had moments where I would remember what my parents went through raising my sister and I in the L.E.S. way before it became the trendy, chic place it is now. Struggling to have basic necessities, never having money for new clothes, gluing our shoes together when they started to fall apart, having VERY modest Christmas’ and holidays but still enjoying each others company, still finding ways to bring us together and forget what was happening around us. And I felt I couldn’t measure up, not realizing that I was drawing a lot of my strength from them, aside of any of their faults because no parent is perfect they still did their best and Im a proud daughter, was then and am still now. But at that time I was still a young mom who because of MY own choices was forced to grow up too fast and I didn’t want to acknowledge how I felt and instead I acted out with drinking as much as I could when I could so I could act/feel like I had no care in the world but I was really burying deep pain and anger. Feeling like the world was against me.
The irony is I never wanted to prove to myself and others that I was independent more than I did back then yet I never needed loving support and guidance more than I did at that time. Feelings and emotions of abandonment, unworthiness, and valid fears of how I would get my studies in, take care of my toddler, get her to day care while at school and get trusting, safe child care while at both school and work, how I was going to find the money to feed us both, how many times I went to the supermarket and I’ll never forget being on line nervous that I wouldn’t have enough in my account to cover it and then the horrible embarrassment when my card would get declined, having to walk out without our most basic groceries, with hot tears rolling down my face, and a small child wondering and confused why we left the food we needed. A lot of times not knowing how I would get to work, school and all of the above on time. And because of my scholarships and grants for my tuition I had to stay a full-time student and at the same time I “had” to keep up my ‘down for anything homegirl’ persona bc more than half of my friends had no idea I was even a mom. There were probably only a friend or two that had a clue about my double-life. I was that college party-girl while at the same time a grown ass woman with a child and some very adult responsibilities. A lot of my friends didn’t learn my truth until my graduation and even then it was only when they asked. Some people may wonder why I did that. To be clear I was not EVER embarrassed to be a mom, I very simply didn’t want to deal with anyone’s judgements, questions or the stigmatization that comes with being a single, Latinx, immigrant, teen mom. If you know you know and if you don’t, understand this, I felt I had a mission to complete and it wasn’t necessary to hear peoples biased or misguided judgements about my personal life. Period.
I remember the lies I made up when I couldn’t go out bc I didn’t have a sitter and so eventually I found a way to combine making enough money to somewhat make it by and socializing with bartending. It allowed me to be able to take my daughter to school, go to my classes, come home, pick her up, eat, do some homework, take her to the overnight sitter and then go to work and do it all over again in the morning. I was able to survive like this for years. Basically NO sleep, and if at any time which was more times than I like to say, there was only enough to eat for one of us it was my daughter who I’d make sure was eating, living a double life and lying to friends and acquaintances. And sadly enduring mistreatments and sexual harassment at my chosen job was not something new to me from experiences I had as a child yet I had to endure it all over again several times a week so that I was able to not just eat, and feed/take care of my daughter, but also to continue my education taking classes 6 days a week. And times were different back then, not speaking up back then on what I experienced working in various restaurants and bars added to my feelings of not having spoken out on other experiences I had as a child and it took its toll on me, making me feel helpless, inadequate and trapped.
It was a dark time, all I saw was dark, everything was dark, my clothing was dark, life felt dark. I was living day to day knowing I had to make it through each day for the one person that depended and relied on me. Now looking back if I didn’t have my daughter I don’t know if I’d be here writing this. I was on auto pilot the majority of the time & when ever any one of my friends that I relied on couldn’t come over, the fear of loneliness would creep in & overwhelm me. I would feel like a child, alone & scared, but I wouldn’t let myself feel sorry for myself that I wouldn’t allow myself. I started to attract all the worst men you can think of, the typical ‘bad boys’ and endured emotional and physical abuse from them because I didn’t see myself as being worthy of having a loving, gentle, honest man for a long time, that by no means ever excuses their actions or what they did. There just comes a time when you start to have to take responsibility not for what occurs but what continues to occur. Of course those relationships had short life spans and my life didn’t start to change until I changed my mindset. And that changed who I attracted and allowed in my life and my daughters life. Thats just my truth and my opinion and no one has to agree with it if they don’t want to but that’s what I found and learned through my experiences.
It was at this time that I developed severe anxiety and depression. I thought of taking my life on more than one occasion and felt boxed in with no air, even though I knew very well I created my circumstances. But there was only one thing keeping me grounded and that was my daughter, my blessing, my joy. She was what kept me fighting day in and day out. No lie I knew if I made it out of that time it’d be because of my deep love for her. Even back then I was always aware that my choices were going to take me either in the same direction I was going in or something else. I’m thankful to my younger self for having the courage and bravery to not just push through but to make major changes in my life. But before I changed my course, I first had to acknowledge the pain and trauma I was experiencing and that didn’t really happen until my studies and health started to become affected.
Having chronic panic attacks, anxiety, depression and insomnia, led my body to start attacking itself and I started to lose my hair. It almost felt like one day to another, I was brushing my hair and saw hair coming out with its follicles, I looked in the mirror and saw I had soft smooth areas on my scalp. I’ll never forget how that made me feel, but my coping mechanism, to act like nothing was happening, led me to find all the ways I could to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t happening. It was like I was in denial. I couldn’t accept that something so close to my identity, as a self-identifying woman, was no more. Mainly at the crown of my head, no less, I would feel that familiar tingle and itch and know my hair was literally falling out. I honestly couldn’t believe it and at first I didn’t know what to do. I was so ashamed and embarrassed I would comb over it or wear hats when it got really bad. I would avoid people as much as I could and eventually my doctor determined that I had an auto immune disease called alopecia and didn’t really offer me any type of options, that or I didn’t like the options given so being the stubborn person I’ve always been I looked for my own options. I went to a close family friend who is an eastern/western doctor and he injected the bald areas with a natural remedy and gave me GABBA, and other vitamins to help me relax my anxiety and insomnia and it looked worse for a while before it suddenly got better. Only those extremely close to me knew what was happening in regards to that because I wouldn’t show too many people and I felt at my lowest lows but in hindsight I didn’t give up and I found a way around it no matter how I felt. At this time I was crying myself to sleep, waking up and crying again thinking about how I had to repeat it all over again.
I lived this way for several years until I met who would become my future husband and that’s another story for another time because there was a lot of self-love and manifestation that went into meeting him but we’ve also gone through our own fair share of trials and tribulations to be where we are. And it can take a while to break patterns; with him and through my relationships I have learned a lot about myself. It can seem like we take five steps forward and ten steps back sometimes, but that’s all part of the process. Trusting is where the journey really begins. I started to seek a better way of living, a better way of doing things, a better way of being a mom. I still made many mistakes on the way and I by no means have a perfect life but I’ve worked hard on myself and in my life to be where I am. I started to read more books that changed my life. I started to change my mindset, it started to get lighter with more hope and less dark and meek. One particular book primarily saved my life by changing my perspective and I never forgot what I learned from it, today my life has come full circle with that book and its teachings.
I have been able to change my life dramatically, manifesting businesses and a lifestyle I never could’ve imagined in my 20’s as a young, lost girl. But I still have a long way to go. Most importantly I have the support of a wonderful husband, my adult children, and my close family and I know that regardless of my trauma, they are there for me unconditionally just like I am there for me. Thats the most important gift and lesson from what I went through to be there for myself, give myself all the grace and compassion to unlearn and relearn who I really am. Even when I felt there was no hope, I knew I had to do it, if not for me then for my daughter who didn’t ask for any of it. It takes a lot for me to be vulnerable and open about what I’ve gone through but my hope is that even if I reach one person that this resonates with then thats what matters. Keep going because this is only the beginning.. I will continue to rise from here and so will you. As always please share your story or why this resonates below or on your own platform, in your own way. We need you, YOUR voice and YOUR story matters now and always has.
Much love,
Anneli