"Absolutely no one is "to blame" for their troubles, but everyone is responsible for healing them from the only place they can be healed - from within." - Unknown
A recurring theme here is that you can't pour from an empty cup. You just can't. Your trauma is valid but so is your healing and your resilience. Change your narrative by changing the story you tell yourselves. Give a voice to your hurt so that you can allow it to release itself. I'm a strong believer that giving a voice to those deep, dark hidden corners actually brings light to them and unmasks them for what they are, the past, and it removes their power and hold on you. At the end of each day, the only person you spend the majority of your time with is yourself, so what are you telling yourself when these feelings of self-hate, self-defeat, and anger creep up? I know for me, for a long time I actually didn't talk about anything I went through in my past. There were a select few that knew bits and pieces but I just thought ignoring the majority of it would mean it didn't exist.
Then I learned the hard way that it would come out randomly and at the most inopportune times. I ended up hurting myself and those I love by doing honestly, really dumb shit. Saying things I didn't mean, projecting pain on them and of course the ones we hurt the most are those closest to us. Its honestly a miracle to me that I still have people in my life that love and care about me because back then I didn't really care about myself. I'm still unsure how I managed to raise the amazing daughter I have, to have met my soulmate, to even be where I am is incredible to me. A lot of my past is a blur because of the fact that I had a problem with myself and it manifested through a lot of drinking and a lot of stupid decisions. To put it mildly I did a lot of questionable things and yes although all my trauma was through no fault of my own, the decision I made to not heal was just that My Own Decision. One thing I am thankful for is having an immense amount of self-awareness because at my lowest points I always knew I was fucking up my own life at least at some point after the fact. Did that stop me from doing some questionable things? Nah, not really. I thought I was doing a good enough job technically living a double life, raising my daughter on my own and going out hard every chance I had.
At the end of the day, I was plain and simple, unhappy. Unhappy with so many things, feeling sad, lonely, and sorry for myself. But hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back at it all, having a clearer vision of what I went through and how that led me to where I am I'm grateful that I had me. I feel nothing but love for that girl because she did her very best with what she was given even if it wasn't always done in the healthiest manner. I somehow still got shit done and thankfully I got to a point where I started to make a conscious decision of who I surrounded myself with, what I put into my body and being adamant to doing my self-care rituals on a weekly or daily basis. Self- love can be trendy right now but its not something any of us should ever take for granted or look at as only a trend. It needs to be part of our day to day life like brushing our teeth is. Taking one hour of your day for yourself isn't too much to ask and it can come in a lot of different forms, whether working out, meditating, journaling, daydreaming, drinking your coffee or tea. All these things can be spread out throughout the day to remind yourself that you are valued and important because all that starts with how you treat you.
Am I right? I truly believe so because of the fact that I know what it felt like to not love myself and how magical it felt to finally flip that switch. Once upon a time I loved wearing my scars as trophies. Although I thought I hid them well, if need be they were there for me to justify my flaws and shortcomings I felt emboldened to show them off. And undoubtedly there can be a lot of beauty in the ugly if you know where to look, beauty in seeing how far you've come, beauty in allowing yourself to feel what you went through, allowing yourself to know it was 100% valid, and there's beauty in overcoming the heaviest of shit. But learning from what you went through so you stop repeating patterns and using it as a tool to help others is the noblest act. Using what you went through to maintain yourself in the victim role and not really care about how it affected anybody else isn't. I wasn't the only one that went through what I went through after the fact because those who love me suffered through my bad decision making no matter how much they could be easily excused.
Without even realizing I made everyone around me go through it all with me when I misguidedly thought I could just ignore what I went through instead of facing it. Facing your own shit is probably the hardest thing you can do. Facing your one demons and overcoming it are not for the weak but its been a long time in the process. and in a lot of ways it doesn't ever end. Because we are all multifaceted beings there will always be more things to learn about ourselves and it will always be our choice if we want to go in one direction versus another. Like Meek Mill says there's levels to this ish... Right when you think you've finally healed from one thing there's another dragon to slay. Another inner demon that tries to creep up which is why some say to befriend them instead of avoiding or trying to get rid of them. And I agree. When you accept that we all have light and dark, beautiful and heavy shit you learn to not judge anyone. And then hopefully you start to learn your triggers and the things that you project unto others and learn to ask within. You'll always find the answers there.
When you start using escapisms to ignore things whether it be work, alcohol, drugs, going out, friends, school, your boyfriend or girlfriend, or even too much self care yes there's such thing, things tend to just get worse. Too much of ANYTHINg isn't healthy, even drinking too much of what maintains our very life source, water, can be deadly. Anything that isn't balanced will create issues. Balance combined with self-awareness will make you unstoppable. Forgiving yourself for not doing what you probably always knew you had to do is one of the hardest things I had to do on my journey, but even harder was forgiving those who I thought should have known better but that's where I found true freedom. Acknowledging that we're on this planet going through our own journeys. And acknowledging that helps you focus on what you need to do for yourself.
I also am aware that a lot of this is easier said than done. I know because it took me many, many arduous years to get to a place where I can talk about hurtful or difficult life changing experiences. I can't say that none of them don't bother me anymore but I can say that I've thankfully acquired the tools where I know how to work through them in a much healthier, productive way. And I still remember the days where i would think or yell sometimes to myself how I wished I was like everyone else who didn't have as many things to deal with and situations to overcome but little did I realize that although yes the trauma was intense, my resilience was even stronger. Every time I thought I wouldn't be able t get through something or I didn't know how I was, I figured it out and did and that builds confidence in yourself and your capabilities. Life isn't easy for anyone, but getting up and showing up for yourself is really what defines you, not your setbacks.
In many ways I had an addictive personality. I used to be addicted to going out, drinking, smoking and being in relationship after relationship because I lacked one with myself.
But something always tugged at my heart, kept me somewhat grounded and forced me to self-reflect; that was being a mom. Slowly (verrry slowly), I forced myself to change. It was gut wrenching, harrowing, physically and emotionally painful to confront myself and confront my traumas.
At that time, I also happened to meet my husband who was instrumental in my #selfhealing. He forced me to look at the parts of me I didn’t like and brought them up to light even though I preferred to keep them underneath the veil. He did this very subtly by not turning away from my “ugly” sides when I showed them to him and when I tried to self-sabotage myself like I always did. We changed each other. For the better. Some people didn’t like that because they preferred to see me broken and to see him blinded. We were a catalyst for each other. An incredibly powerful one. But none of it would’ve happened if a big part of us wasn’t open and willing to do better and BE better. We, and by we I can only mean me, still have a lot of work to do. Every day is a battle within myself. But I would be a coward if I placed the blame on anyone but myself and if I didn’t try to just do my own best.
Now I may still have an addictive personality but these days I’m addicted to becoming the best version of myself, for myself but also for those that love and depend on me. To read books that fill me. To spend time with those I love and love me in return. I’m addicted to spending time in nature; our source, and allowing myself to trust and have faith that all I went through was a way to show me my purpose in life. It’s okay to be scared at times, it’s ok to be unsure, if not all the time, it’s ok to not know what to do or what the next step could be. The hardest part is just to start. To make a conscious decision that it’s time to take responsibility for your own healing and just take it one step at a time.But most importantly Love yourself because no one else can do it for you, all anyone else can be is a reflection of what you mean to yourself. Make sure you're telling yourself everyday what you love the most about yourself, start taking steps to ensure that everything that surrounds you reflects that love and keep working on it because it only gets better from here.
With love today and everyday,